A Column by Maya Jordan, Globetrotting Hottie

 Hello again, boys. Did you miss me? Tee-hee…; )

From the mail I've been getting, it's apparent you want to date a stripper or a centerfold. And who doesn't? Take it from me, it's a lot of fun. I’ll tell you all about that in a future column, for sure.

So, to get it rolling...you know how drunks like to talk about coming to believe in a power greater than themselves?  It’s the sort of aesthetic popularized by Bill W.

Well, I’d say MY coming to believe in powers greater than myself had to do with the aesthetic popularized at Playboy by guys like Hef  -   the blonde, tan and enhanced.

I’m talking about the super-hottie aesthetic born in direct response to the awesome and constant reckoning of cock. 

That's YOU guys. You are so demanding!

I came to understand that girls with the stuff -  the pillow lips, the ass & tits – they survived the constant assault of pricks with their bodies left unmarked by another enhancement… which may have left them physically pleasing but somehow slightly damaged inside.

But it didn’t make you men want them any less.
You still want that image, and you want the girl who has it.

But keep a few things in mind, as you head toward trying to nail these blow-up dolls and make them your own.

Their bodies are monuments to the collaborative process between woman and surgeon, possessing an external loveliness far surpassing the naturally occurring and the unmitigated.

To translate: There’s a therapist I know who likes to say that every stripper and centerfold has “daddy issues,” to which a woman like me would reply, “Well, of course, dipshit.” 

I have a Master’s Degree in that department (true!), and the field experience to know the internal riot that goes on with these women. Know that they see their worth as their body.

These super-lovelies, with their very buoyant investments, outwardly wash over their internal issues and unresolved traumas of their past. The fact that they are so damned pleasing to look at often distracts from:

 1. low self esteem (hence the emphasis on the body)

 2. they don’t trust men (hence the many, many men)

So the rest of this column is about how to land the stripper, the playmate, the girl with the daddy complex. 

The simplest means is cash or fame – and even those will only get you so far - but if you don’t have those then you’re going to need to bring some intelligence to your cock. Good thing you know me, cuz here’s how:

·         Assume she’s bisexual from the get go. Hone your skills in that department.

·         Assume she’s got a drug problem or at least a history of use.  Be prepared for drama, and don’t pay for anything for her. It’s her problem, don’t make it yours.

·         Don’t try to rescue her. She has a million men who are trying to, and who are getting nowhere in the sex department with her. When she starts in with her “money problems” close your wallet, cut her off and talk sports. Otherwise, you’ll be one in a long line paying her therapy bills and whacking off.

·         Assume the relationship is not long term.  This girl will not be domesticated easily. That’s what makes the sex good in the short term. Not pressuring her to be involved with you will actually get her interested in being involved with you.

·         Engage in acts of service that are sexy and working class. This is stuff she won’t get from her sugar daddy, and wanted to get from her real daddy. For example, change the oil in her car yourself, take her to your buddy’s beer drinkin’ cookout, go bowling or pursue a career in law enforcement.

·         Resist the temptation to play therapist by processing her sick and sordid past over a candlelit dinner.  Girls like her get that from their gay male friends tenfold, not to mention the married dudes they date on the side to pay their rent.

·         Do not fall into the trap of paying any of her bills.  She will lose respect for you as a man.

·         Join a gym, get some nice clothes and a great haircut.  Puh-leeze.  Professionally hot chicks are generally made not born.  Do the same.

·         The prettier she is, the less you should compliment her. EVERYbody compliments her. She’s bored with it. Don’t be a dick, but you can slyly bust on her – “Are those nails real or fake?” and regardless of her answer, “Oh, I guess they look okay.”

·         If she is a stripper in a club, never ever give her money for anything. Never pay for a dance. Have a buddy buy you one, but don’t shell out your money to her. She’s in business mode, and the more you act like a customer, the more you ARE a customer.

·         With strippers, find ways to throw her off her game, by not getting into customer mode. When she tells you her name, say, “That’s cute. What’s your real fuckin’ name?” Better yet, use the line J.D. uses, “Ha. That’s funny – I used to date a dancer who used that same stage name.” This let’s her know you are an “insider” and that you are dating material.

·         Whoever she is (stripper or not), bring her to a strip club. A nice one – not that shitty joint you slip singles into g-strings at. Buy her some dances. Get ready for a threesome.

·         Make a habit of talking less.  Strong, silent types go a long way with centerfold types, most of whom are uneducated, mentally speaking, and like to project their own issues and interests upon others.  You will resemble more of a blank canvas for her to project her mirror image upon the quieter you are in terms of your interactions with her.  The more she sees herself in your reflection, the more obsessed she will become. 

·         Pretty girls love to look at themselves.  Remember that.